Yesterday morning my youngest daughter asked me if we could sit and have breakfast together. It was an unusual request, but I was delighted.
As we sat chatting, a message came in on my phone. and I automatically read the message. Glancing up from my phone, I saw a pan soaking from the night before and, without thinking, I got up to wash it then proceeded to put the milk away, and began to tidy up the kitchen.
Suddenly I realized that my focus was supposed to have been spending time with my daughter. Just seconds before I’d been seated across from her listening. But, once I was distracted by the phone, sequential distractions completely stripped away my attention..
We live in a world where we are very connected to each other, via internet, cell phones, skype, etc.. Unfortunately, I do not believe we are very connected with each other.
Constant access to other people and events, can make concentrating on our AM ( activity of the moment) or pm ( person of the moment) challenging. Like a pin ball, we are bounced from one bright light to the next. It is unnatural and unhealthy both for us, and for our relationships.
In his book “Brain Rules” John Medina talks about our minds not being made to multi task. When multi-tasking, we perform all tasks at a much lower level of proficiency simply because our brains are built to concentrate on one task at a time. Example: while typing this, if I check my cell phone, it takes a moment for me to re focus my attention back to my writing.
Liken multi-tasking to attempting to throw one dart at two separate bulleyes. It can’t be done.
In our society, it is almost natural to have a conversation with someone, while they text a conversation with another person elsewhere. It is common to see a person go through a check out line, talking on the cell phone while they communicate their purchase with a salesclerk.
It’s sad, really.
Sad that a bell or light blinking on our phone can grab out attention away from a real human being.
Once I caught myself, I left my phone in my purse and sat down again with my daughter. I watched her expressions while she talked. I heard the nuances in her voice and listened to the words she chose to use. She is a beautiful, funny, intelligent young woman. Because I gave her my full attention, I was blessed with the energy from her presence,.
Whatever the blinking light on your cell phone offers, I guarantee it will pale in comparison to the life force of a living, breathing person before you.
Give your full attention to your person of the moment because in these encounters we find our best life.
My mom likes to joke that as a parent she has bruised knees and a bloody tongue. The bruised knees are from praying on them. The bloody tongue is from stopping herself from saying something.
My oldest daughter and I have recently had turmoil over her buying a car. She knows what she wants and can legally purchase it. During our discussions, I feel my advice is dismissed. This frustrates me. Admittedly, I am not a car expert. But at age fifty-one, I’ve owned a few more than she has.
During our last heated discussion she ran up to her bedroom, spitting out some unpleasantry while closing her bedroom door. I started up the stairs after her and stopped dead in my tracks.
Suddenly I realized that in regard to this car topic, I had tossed out everything I know and have taught about communication. I’d blown it.
First of all, no one communicates positively while angry. It isn’t possible. During moments of high emotion, the best choice is to allow the person (or yourself ) to cool off.
One cools off by “biting your tongue”. If, instead of retreating had I plowed into her bedroom and continued, the discussion would have escalated into an arguement.
Retreating gave both of us time to cool down. Within moments, the electricity in the air settled. By then, I understood that we would need to choose a better time and place to discuss this issue.
I also needed to lay a positive foundation by communicating my love for her, and my desire that her choice brings contentment. In the past, my love had been drowned out by my passionate concern.
One of my favorite topics is the power of the pause. A pause allows you to take a ‘time out’ before acting to reflect upon whether your actions are getting your closer to. or further away from your goal.
Biting your tongue is a powerful tool to use in communication. It allows us to listen to the other person, and reflect upon our next choice of action.
And, by the way, while your are biting your tongue… getting down on your knees for a quick bit of advice can’t hurt either.
My Pomeranean Isle is the most implusive animal I know. Walking her daily takes all of my patience because she barks wildly at every person, vehicle, bird, or fluttering leaf she sees. She has never even nipped at a person, but when she barks foam practically emits from her mouth causing other pedistrians to cross the street to avoid her.
Isla is always straining at her leash, wanting to get ahead. She coughs and chokes as a result of her own impatience. If I had a 100 foot leash Isle would be 101 feet ahead of me. I can’t imagine she enjoys our walks, straining ahead, coughing and choking while being shushed by me when she begins barking wildy. But every morning, when I say “walk?’ Isla jumps with joy.
Watching Isla reinforces the power of savoring to appreciate the current moment. Isla can’t figure this out but as people we can.
While on a walk, I can be aware of my surroundings, the noises, the clean air, the feeling of my feet moving on the sidewalk. Becoming aware increases the satisfaction I experience.
Chewing slowly and savoring every bite, allows me to appreciate the crisp crunch and tangy flavors of an apple.
Last night my fourteen year old, Sofi, and I watched a movie in my bed. She fell asleep with me. This morning she began telling me about a funny dream she’d had. I was typing this blog while she began talking. Instead of typing while listening, I stopped to give her my full attention. I am so glad I did. Sofi’s descriptions are so clever and her face comes alive when she retells a story. Had I not given her my full attention I would have missed out.
Too often I press ahead to the next experience without fully experiencing the one currently happening. It must look silly from above. Pretty much like Isla…pulling on her leash, wheezing and coughing during this moment while getting nowhere faster to the next.
Today I will take mental snapshots of lovely moments so I can remember them later. Today, when straining to think ahead, I will pause, and return to the present moment…sucking in all the blessings it offers.
Use the power of the pause to savor your present moments today.
This morning I woke up at 7am, thinking about Angela, a young mother of two little boys who was being prepped for brain surgery in Des Moines, IA.
I lied in bed thinking she must have held her babies extra tight at bedtime last night. I’d guess she lingered a few extra moments in the arms of her husband this morning before getting ready for the ride to the hospital.
We live out our days making plans for the future: a dinner date with an old friend next week, Christmas eve with extended family, our high school reunion next summer. Yet, it take only a moment containing: a diagnosis, an accident, a job loss, a piece of critical information about a loved one, and our plans for the future change.
Last evening I had an enjoyable conversation with a very smart contemporary. We’d both experienced making considerable money and losing considerable money. Summing it all up, he said “In the end, money’s nice but it really doesn’t matter about the stuff. I just really want to be happy.”
Studies have revealed that once people have enough money to comfortably cover the basics, additional money doesn’t increase create much increased happiness. My friend agreed, saying “More money means you just buy more expensive stuff. It’s really easy to get caught up chasing your tail just to keep things afloat.”
We all get a bit of a “high” in buying new things. Recent studies have shown the thrill of buying a new car wears off within a month. The thrill of getting a new house wears off in an average of three months. This is when the tail chasing begins. More, more, more.
I am sure the last thing on Angela’s mind last evening was her bank account. I think she stole into her little boys’ rooms to hear their sleepy sounds. This morning, I bet she breathed in her husband’s cologne as he leaned over her to kiss her on her way into surgery.
Happiness comes in the tiny little moments that happen now. As I write this I am sitting in my snuggly bed, with new books strewn around me. This morning I took an extra long walk, and enjoyed part of it with my mom. I ate a bowl of cherries, probably the last ones of the summer season.
Life is really good when we take moments to recognize the simple gifts it brings. It doesn’t cost a thing to pet my dogs, or savor a glass of ice tea. Yet it is all very nice indeed and I am truly thankful.
Lately a few darks clouds have been showing up overhead. I found a that a friend has been suffering from extreme sadness. The news shows the economy tanking. Norway is still reeling from a recent hate crime that took the lives of innocent people.
What to do when darkness hovers like this, threatening to block out the light I know exists above the clouds? It’s tempting to wallow. Oddly enough, when we are in a state of negative emotion we tend to almost seek out more negative stuff to verify our right to be there. Strange but true.
When life turns dark like this, I take out my pre-prepared “Things that lift my mood” list.
Taking a walk. Listening to my “Dance with Strangers” dvd. Baking Oatmeal Craisin cookies. Writing in my Journal. Swimming at the Recreation Hall. Calling a friend to laugh. Searching out funny clips on Utube. Cutting down weeds with my ginsu kitchen knife. Looking at new recipes for dinner. Playing my guitar.
I have a very long list of things I enjoy. When I find something new to enjoy I try to jot it down on my list for future reference during darker days.
Here’s the truth. Good thoughts and feelings don’t aways just show up. Sometimes we need to be willing to seek them out. We can do this by having a back up plan of activities we enjoy. That way, when the dark clouds hover overhead, we have a positive action plan that will push them aside and let the sun shine through.
This week I have felt particularly grateful. Nothing huge has happened . I haven’t won a lottery, didn’t lose a bunch of weight, or meet a new friend. Overall, it’s been a pretty average week…except for this rainbow of gratitude that’s followed me.
I skyped for the first time this week which enabled me to talk and see my oldest daughter Christine, who’s spending the summer in Norway. Sweet stuff that skype. Good kid my Christine.
My youngest daughter, Sofi and I have had a fun week just hanging out together. Nothing monumental, but a gentle reminder of what a really nice kid she is. I am blessed with two very wonderful daughters.
My back hurts from exercising. Really hurts. But I got relief from my chiropractor. I am grateful I can get help. I am grateful that I have a higher than average pain tolerance.
I’ve had nice talks with my friends throughout the week. My friends are a blessing to me. They make me laugh, they tell me the truth, and they take my side.
I am grateful for prewashed romaine lettuce. Grateful for good books I am reading. Grateful for my wacky sense of humor that keeps me laughing even when I am alone. My pets irritate me when they poop on the floor, but they also adore me and for that I am grateful. I’ve found a pair of shorts, on sale, that look great on my fifty-one year old body and I bought two pair. This week I’ve kept my house relatively clean. I’ve ordered marketing materials for speaking. My yellow lilies are in full bloom. My porch flowers look terrific. I ate my first potted porch tomato, it was delicious.
Life is good but not because of wonderful big stuff.
Life is good when we decide to appreciate the small stuff.
One afternoon while playing in her backyard, a little girl stumbled upon a butterfly fighting to emerge from its cocoon. In an effort to help the butterfly, she carefully widened the opening, quickening the butterfly’s escape. But instead of flying away, the butterfly weakly flopped about the ground. The little girl ran to get her mother’s help telling her mom how she’d helped the butterfly.
The mom explained that a butterfly’s battle to emerge from a cocoon is necessary to build up the strength of its wings so it can fly and without this strength the butterfly would die.
We live in a fast paced world where immediate gratification is valued and expected. Drive through fast food quickly satisfies our hunger. Internet and cell phones give us instant entertainment and communication. We yearn for quick weight loss tips and scratch off lottery tickets that will create instant wealth.
In this enviroment of instant gratification, it is easy to forget the power struggling can give us.
When I began swimming, twenty laps would leave me breathless and tired. Despite the discomfort I perserved and eventually was able to swim one hundred laps without difficulty. Years ago when training as a new nurse on the hospital unit I often felt overwhelmed with all I had to learn. Years later, those initial challenges are now second nature to me.
Struggling to overcome new challenges builds our resiliency muscle and strengthens our self confidence. If you are currently overwhelmed with a challenge, remember past challenges you managed to overcome. Recall the pride you had when you succeeded. Use that past success to spur confidence in the next.
Remember that the struggle you are currently experience is a necessary process to building stronger resiliancy, more powerful self esteem, and increasing your skills set.
“We live in a world of words. What we say about ourselves, to ourselves, about others and to others creates our reality. …. Words are everything to us” Reb David
I recently caused someone pain when I made a poor word choice in describing a challenge he is facing. It wasn’t my intention to cause pain but it did. This person responded by being angry, resentful, and defensive.
Initially, I defended my word choice because my intention was not to cause harm. After more thought, I understood that I needed to apologize because, intention aside, I hurt him.
Words have enormous power. Once they are spoken, they cannot be retrieved. I regret not choosing my words more wisely.
Judism recognizes evil speech, lashon harah in Hebrew, as the greatest of all sins because it can destroy relationships between people and nations.
Baal Sheem Tor, the 18th century founder of Hasidic Judism, taught that each human being is born with a fixed number of words to speak. When the final word is spoken the person dies. Note that it is the number of words spoken, not the choice of words. Therefore, since the word count is not known to us, our next word could be our last word.
In order to decide whether something is worth saying, Rami Shapiro asks us to consider these three questions:
1. Is what I am about to say true? If it isn’t true, don’t say it. If it is true then ask yourself…
2. Is what I am about to say kind? If it isn’t kind, don’t say it. If it is both true and kind then ask yourself…
3. Is what I am about to say necessary? If it isn’t necessary don’t say it. If it is necessary to say something that is less than kind, say it in a compassionate way and accept the consequences.
Although I hope for forgiveness, I realize that this person my never forgive my unkind words. Even so, I owe him a debt of gratitude because of the painful lesson this experience taught me.
In his book, The Five Agreements, Dr Miguel Ruiz lists the very first agreement as:
1. Be impeccable with your word. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
I am impatient. I want to fix things in my life, and fix them quickly. My repertoire contains things such as: three day diets and interpersonal relationships skyrocketed and crashed in two days. When I sense a hole in y life my first reaction is to fill it up, often with whatever is most readily available.
Recently, and friend pointed out my reluctance to surrender. I listened and agreed with him. Surrender, to me, seemed like a dirty word. Isn’t surrender synonymous with “giving up”? Duh! Who wins if they give up?
Lately, I’ve begun to understand that the act of surrendering can also be a powerful action of choice.
Imagine this scene, a flood has leveled a city and rescue crews find a survivor clinging to the higher branches of a tree. The water rages beneath her. The rescue helicopter lowers a rescue worker down to the woman, he ties a rope around her waist and tells her to let go of the tree so they can pull her to safety. She hesitates. In order to be saved, she must let go of the tree that has kept her alive for hours throughout the night. She must surrender.
I am not very good as deciding when surrendering is best but I do believe that my Higher Power has the best in mind for me.
So this week, I arm myself in faith and pray for the power of surrender.
